Commentary: Freebies? No, It's Just Plain Thievery!

Do you ever wish you were compensated for outdated products and merchandise? Or that companies could easily afford to give away the “enhanced” copies for a pocket full of change – or even free? If they are only going to minimally enhance an item I’ve already bought once, why should I have to repurchase it a second time.
During this past year, I have surveyed most of the products I bought over the last five to 10 years. I have a done a huge inventory on what the products were, their present condition and their relative perceived value. Now I am left in a huge conundrum. What the hell I am going to do with all these items in my apartment that have little or no value now?

Let’s start with my decade-old NY Times Best Seller motivational workout book, Body for Life, by Bill Phillips. This used to be the gospel on how I approached my workout routines from start to finish. The book promises astonishing Terrell Owens-like results after 12 weeks of honest hard work. The book did a fine job, but I don’t think I could bench-press Owen’s arm even once in a given hour. Now I have learned astonishing news! Phillips has released two more books that prove my valiant efforts to transform my body have been done in vain.

Apparently, now I have to put down my takeout Hut dinner and buy Eat For My Success. If that is not exasperating, he is also plugging the “holy grail” of workout page-turners – Bill Philips Success Journal.

Should I now expect to lose weight and tone my muscles by more than thirty percent? Perhaps the author is telling me that my original Body for Life book is now obsolete. You have GOT to be kidding me! I am hoping my 10th letter to the president of Mr. Philip’s publishing company, Harper Collins, will finally earn me a conference call to rectify the situation by issuing me two free copies of the newest installments to the series. Right now my copy of the book (circa 1999) has been relegated to official door-stopper duty.


Moving along, I found one of my favorite rock CD’s of all time – The Beatles: White Album – stuffed underneath my bed in a large tubular container. I bought this CD “used,” which is probably more than 20 years-old now. Unfortunately, most of album is now inundated with scratch marks and smudges, making it a shell of its former self. After checking on Amazon, Paul McCartney has managed to plug a new Vinyl limited 30-year edition and a Japanese import version.

It wasn’t earth-shattering to learn that none of these recent editions will have any new material or bonus features that warrant the hike in price. They will, however, cost between two or three times as much as I initially paid for the album. If I am assertive, why can’t I make a road trip to New York and pay a visit to EMI headquarters and demand a mint copy of one of those White Album versions? Maybe, I’ll do just that (P.S. one of those versions MUST be stuffed with rare b-sides and early live recordings, right?).

I understand all companies have a fiduciary responsibility to market their products, reintroduce them to consumers or expand their target audience. But now companies are trying to steal money from underneath your mattress to squeeze an extra nickel from your pocket book – as thanks for your doing business at their brick-and-mortar shop. No one knows this better than Apple Inc.

One of the biggest scams going on right now is the updated versions for both the iPhone 3G and the iPod Touch. The iPod Touch’s updates promise a more stable browser interface (is mine a ticking time bomb?), and a shake and shuffle feature (I just want to play my tunes for heaven’s sake!). I spoke to a business manager who provided me with inside scoop that all of these updates are not hardware but software alterations and that they should be free of charge. If you are an iPod Touch user, the cost to you is $10, while upgrading to an iPhone 3G S is as much as $300 extra. It’s just another way that Apple is endearing themselves to their valued customer base.

Maybe the solutions to all of my product quandaries could be solved by cracking the system. Perhaps I’ll jailbreak my iPod Touch to become a 3G iPhone, an illegal book reader and a music file-sharing device. But then I would need to take an illegal tutorial from a notorious hacker friend in Liverpool, England. Suddenly, a road trip to Cupertino, California, to visit Steve Jobs now sounds like a more plausible solution.

By Aaron Malofsky